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Unread 2018-10-10, 04:50 PM   #1
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Default When do you stop helping someone?

TLDR: help person or not

Been a rough month or two for me while dealing with an Ex and just want to vent/get peoples perspective and what they would do.

Backstory is I have supported her pretty regularly over the last 5 years or so since we split. She had just signed a lease with her (now ex) boyfriend at a new apartment. They broke up 2 days after they moved in. She missed work. Lost her job. Has a dog that has separation anxiety or something and can cant leave the dog alone without getting a complaint instantly. She is now basically stuck at the apartment, with no way to pay for it, her car, her bills, etc.

Her mother is trying to help as well. They have a rough history as this is has been a problem since she started drinking at 14-15yo. But all this started while the mother was at a funeral in Canada. I missed 7 days of work basically staying with my ex 24/7 worried for her safety. With not really anyone else to call or help.

She is suffering from depression, alcoholism, and some type of mental illness. She has a history of trying to harm herself as well.

She has no insurance so any meds/doctor visits will be costly.

I have been to a psychiatrist twice now. I have been told that I need to keep in contact, and try to get her into a rehab facility or some type of in patient care. I am not supposed to pay any more of her bills (I agree, but dont know how to say no/stop) and been told not to enable her drinking. (I did that as well, as drinking a few beers and talking was the easiest way to calm her down) Basically that I need to be there for support and to call the cops or take her to the ER if she harms her self.

She was able to go to some place and setup a Physical, and a therapy session, but those are a week or two away. I have given her and her mother a phone number and website for the MO state assistance help, and think its for women too.

She is now going on 4 days sober. Hasnt said anything about harming herself and saying she wants to get help, knows she has a problem.

I tried to talk about her options. And being homeless with no car may be coming

1) getting rid of the dog or at least find a foster home
2) selling the car and getting a cheap beater while she can
3) moving out of the apartment now and see if she can live with her mom or dad
4) file for bankruptcy when the time comes or at least look into it
5) look into welfare and state assistance

She doesn't want to get rid of the dog (as then she would be alone).
She doesn't want to move back home (may not even be an option).
She doesnt want to give up the apartment and file for bankruptcy
She doesnt want to sell the car and get a beater


She wants me to move in and be a roommate and help her get back to work, and back on her feet.
My family wants me to block her number, and her moms number, and move on. Nothing has changed in the last 10 years, why would anything change now.

I dont know what I want. But I have been depressed, stopped working out, eating less, have been smoking more, missing work, now about $4K in debt within a month or two. Currently paying all her bills, plus my half where I'm at.

I feel like if I moved in with her, she has the possibility of getting back on her feet. And All she has to do is make like 1500 a month, and that would cover all her bills.

If I cut ties, stop helping, and move on. I fear the worst for her.


WHAT DO YOU DO
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Unread 2018-10-10, 04:54 PM   #2
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Ghost her.


Seriously, my broseph.



I had an ex once that I allowed myself to be run through the ringer with. I won't go into the details on here, but I will say this- Ghosting her was one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but it made my life right again and I'm all the better for never looking back.


Let me know if you want to grab a beer manana or Friday. I'd be more than happy to tell the story
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Unread 2018-10-10, 05:10 PM   #3
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Thanks JW. I will message you on FB later and see about tomorrow or friday.
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Unread 2018-10-10, 06:45 PM   #4
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Would have to agree with JW on this one. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. No sense in dragging yourself down with someone else when they have no intentions of changing their ways or making the situation better. Been there myself as well.

Hard as fuck to do but you gotta look out for #1. Especially after 5+ years of already dealing with that bullshit. Yikes.
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Unread 2018-10-10, 08:14 PM   #5
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I read till I saw the word "ex".

Stop.

She is either an "ex" or she is a current.

Don't.

Walk away.

Cut off contact.

End story.
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Unread 2018-10-10, 08:35 PM   #6
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Only way I’d say stay is if you have kids with her.

Outside of that, she’s preying on your genorosity. She wants you as a “roommate” is to use you so she can maintain her lifestyle.

Also, I’m in for nudes if you’re totally over her.
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Unread 2018-10-10, 08:37 PM   #7
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Long story short......


Just stop. You need to for your own financial well being and sanity. I know it sucks and it’s hard but you need to stop. I would call her mom and tell her that she is going to have to step up because you can’t anymore and then that needs to be it. If you block her, she will just call from other numbers so you will need to screen your calls.

Be firm and stand strong.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 08:43 AM   #8
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Just wanted to say thanks for everyone input.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 03:53 PM   #9
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If you keep it up, you will sink w/the boat...and that boat has been sinking for a while.
Just ignore the texts, ignore the emails, the calls and EVERYTHING that has to do w/her. You are not Jesus (unless your name is Jesus). Even Jesus, would slap her and tell her to do something about it. You can only convert so much water to wine and so many rocks to bread.
Do yourself a favor, and her as well, and just ignore her. She won't end it; she would have already done it by now. Trust me...I have been through the same shit. The best thing you can do for yourself, is salvage some of the self-respect you still have for yourself and ignore her 100%.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 03:55 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by TAILWAG View Post
If you keep it up, you will sink w/the boat...and that boat has been sinking for a while.
Just ignore the texts, ignore the emails, the calls and EVERYTHING that has to do w/her. You are not Jesus (unless your name is Jesus). Even Jesus, would slap her and tell her to do something about it. You can only convert so much water to wine and so many rocks to bread.
Do yourself a favor, and her as well, and just ignore her. She won't end it; she would have already done it by now. Trust me...I have been through the same shit. The best thing you can do for yourself, is salvage some of the self-respect you still have for yourself and ignore her 100%.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 04:11 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by TAILWAG View Post
If you keep it up, you will sink w/the boat...and that boat has been sinking for a while.
Just ignore the texts, ignore the emails, the calls and EVERYTHING that has to do w/her. You are not Jesus (unless your name is Jesus). Even Jesus, would slap her and tell her to do something about it. You can only convert so much water to wine and so many rocks to bread.
Do yourself a favor, and her as well, and just ignore her. She won't end it; she would have already done it by now. Trust me...I have been through the same shit. The best thing you can do for yourself, is salvage some of the self-respect you still have for yourself and ignore her 100%.
Preach it, Brotha!
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Unread 2018-10-11, 06:12 PM   #12
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He isn't going to walk away, or at least it doesn't sound like he can or will.

Any suggestions on how he can mitigate the damage of this train wreck in his life while he keeps getting dragged onto the tracks by his own sense of obligation?
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Unread 2018-10-11, 07:47 PM   #13
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Default When do you stop helping someone?

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He isn't going to walk away, or at least it doesn't sound like he can or will.



Any suggestions on how he can mitigate the damage of this train wreck in his life while he keeps getting dragged onto the tracks by his own sense of obligation?


Honestly still not sure what Im going to do or how to do it. Put gas in her car and got dog food tonight.

Havent accepted that I cant fix/help her I guess. And seeing her sober gives me hope too. Think its been 5-6 days now. Nothing special, but its a start. At least to me.

I plan on talking with a few people and continue to talk with a professional about it all. I have always helped people though. Strangers, friends, family. Seems like a bad habit at this point lol.


Again, thank you to everyone that has commented.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 09:06 PM   #14
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be honest with us, you still love her and are trying to make it work.
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Unread 2018-10-11, 09:46 PM   #15
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Not really no. I wasnt happy with our relationship years ago. And we are not physically involved at all now and havent been for years. I do not want to get back with her, as she has always been a negative type of person.

I want a gym rat, and goal oriented person to start a relationship. Its just hard to start something new when your worried about someone else.

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Unread 2018-10-11, 09:48 PM   #16
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As far as love, I have always felt that once you love someone that never really goes away. Feel that way about 3-4 girls. Doesnt mean I want to get with any of them, just that I still care about them.

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Unread 2018-10-12, 06:36 AM   #17
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You have to do whats best for you, You don't owe anyone anything unless she's got a ring or she's the mother of your children. Especially when she's dragging you down with her. This might seem heartless and cruel but you gotta cut ties, completely. I've been on both sides of this to a similar degree. Couldn't blame them one bit. Don't fall for bullshit guilt tripping games especially threats of self harm. Go full ghost if that's what it takes.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 07:48 AM   #18
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I want a gym rat, and goal oriented person to start a relationship. Its just hard to start something new when your worried about someone else.
No self-respecting woman would commit to someone carrying that kind of baggage. Caring for this person is setting yourself back.



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Don't fall for bullshit guilt tripping games especially threats of self harm.
The MOMENT someone threatens self-harm the smartest thing you can do is immediately report it to the police. Its a win-win. If they were going to actually follow through with it then they can be committed and get the help they need. If its a manipulation tactic the consequences are traumatic enough they wont pull that shit again (learned that via an ex myself).
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Unread 2018-10-12, 09:44 AM   #19
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You have to do whats best for you, You don't owe anyone anything unless she's got a ring or she's the mother of your children. Especially when she's dragging you down with her. This might seem heartless and cruel but you gotta cut ties, completely. I've been on both sides of this to a similar degree. Couldn't blame them one bit. Don't fall for bullshit guilt tripping games especially threats of self harm. Go full ghost if that's what it takes.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 09:50 AM   #20
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No self-respecting woman would commit to someone carrying that kind of baggage. Caring for this person is setting yourself back.


I was just trying to point out that Im not interested in being with her at all anymore. Not that Im trying to find someone to date. I know I can’t bring this kind of stuff to a new relationship.

As far as the self harm, thats why I went and talked to a psychiatrist. I didnt know what to do if she did try/threaten that. I now know I need to call the police. Best case is she will voluntarily go somewhere her self.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 10:38 AM   #21
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You sound like a very caring person. Since it sounds like you most likely won't be able to just stop helping what I would do is do a little homework and get her some help. There are a ton of opportunities out there for her to get the help that doesn't cost any money. Find out what the immediate need is that she needs help with and go from there.

It comes down to giving her the options of getting help. It's up to her if she chooses to take you up on the offer or not. If she doesn't take the opportunities she has in front of her, like JW said - Ghost Her. It'll be hard at first, however, with time you'll be fine. She needs to help herself. It's going to be hard for her to do, but she has to take the initiative and do it. It sounds like to me she's had a crutch to lean on for a while and she's been overusing it and has grown dependent on it.

Hope all works out for the both of you.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 11:06 AM   #22
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It's definitely time to stop trying to help someone when the harm to yourself is greater or equal to the help that the other person is receiving.

Totally removing yourself from the situation... it's hard to suggest that. It seems so cold to do to another human, but as uncomfortable as it feels to say, I've got to agree with everyone here. You're going to damage yourself before this is all over (emotionally, financially, etc) and from the sounds of it, she's at a place where SHE is the only person that can help herself. throwing money, time, and effort at her isn't going to fix the root cause of her problems.

Gotta let that one go, man.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 12:32 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanenGraham View Post
Honestly still not sure what Im going to do or how to do it. Put gas in her car and got dog food tonight.

Havent accepted that I cant fix/help her I guess. And seeing her sober gives me hope too. Think its been 5-6 days now. Nothing special, but its a start. At least to me.

I plan on talking with a few people and continue to talk with a professional about it all. I have always helped people though. Strangers, friends, family. Seems like a bad habit at this point lol.


Again, thank you to everyone that has commented.
If you want to help, get her the actual help she needs. Being the crutch is not helping her.

Help her get support from nonprofit organizations based on her needs.
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Unread 2018-10-12, 01:55 PM   #24
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If you want to help, get her the actual help she needs. Being the crutch is not helping her.

Help her get support from nonprofit organizations based on her needs.
This.

You might think you love her or whatever else but its really your own insecurities you are feeding. It's not really about her, it's about you. You're trying to save her because you probably had this same sort of relationship with a parent. You were responsible for their feelings in one way or another. If only you did X, Y and Z, THEN they'd be happy. It never works though and you do X, Y and Z until the relationship ends or you live miserably ever after. I don't want to speculate too much but I do know that is the root cause of these types of situations.

Real love is doing what is best for the person no matter how painful it is for either of you. What is best for her is not using you for a crutch as evidenced by 5 years of it not working. Gotta push the bird out of the nest to see if it can fly. Otherwise, you'll be mouthfeeding it worms for the rest of your life.
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